Wednesday, March 05, 2003

Wow... I don't even know where to begin.. All I know is that I have to get a lot of stuff that is inside of me.. Tom and I are on a "break", hopefully for only a couple of days so we can work out some stuff... Well, mostly for him to work out his feelings.. God knows how I feel.. I think everyone does, and I think everyone knows how Tom feels, but he just has to make sure because we've been getting into a lot of stupid fights lately. Although I don't think they have been anyones fault really, but we just need to fix things.. The reason we're on a break is to fix things.. We took his extreme measure because we really can't find answeres to our questions any other way, so we thought that this would be good for us.. So basically if I'm not around him all the time he'll be able to sort out his feelings and when he gets his answered we'll be together again. There's no way that this relationship will end now.. Let me tell you a little bit about this relationship...
We told each other that we loved each other the first night we starting going out... We both meant it with all our hearts too.. Even before that we've liked each other but just never really admitted it.. We fell madly in love with each other, and we still are.. We've been through good times and bad and always worked things out. I have never been with anyone like him. He makes me smile like no one can, laugh like no one has ever made me laugh, he's the only one who can take away my tears, and he has made me feel so special and so loved like no one has ever made me feel. He would always tell me how much he loves me, how much he's in love with me... We would always tell each other that we were in love almost every day...
Right now he's not too sure about how he feels.. He knows that he loves me, but he wants to figure things out.. Even though he doesn't know how he feels right now.. I know how he feels.. I know how much he loves me.. First of all, feelings don't just change like that, he's even told me so himself.. When he would tell me how he felt about me and how much he loved me, I knew it was true..
You just know when you've found "the one".. Tom is the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with.. I love him with all of my heart and all of my soul and I can't imagine being with anyone else. He's the greatest person in the world. So sweet, so caring, so loving and so loveable.. I can't think of one thing that I don't love about him. He's so amazing and he has done so much for me.. May will be a year that we've been together.
All I have to do right now is sit back and wait.. I have to wait for him.. He knows that I'm not going anywhere, I would never even think of it. What I have to do right now is just give him time to himself, so he can think and just have time to himself to do things.. Our phone conversations will be shortened, I won't see him as much in school... And just stuff like that.. He wants to know what it'll feel like if I wasn't there, so that he'll realize how much he misses me.. I miss him already...
Today I really screwed up.. Today we went on the trip to NYC to see the rehersal of the NY Philharmonic. I was supposed to give him his space, and just be happy around him and show him that I can do what he asked so that his "break" will be over with as soon as possible.. Today I messed up... I cryed almost all day and I tried to hug him and I tried many times to hold his hand.. So basically it was a waste of a day because of me.. I wish more than anything I could do this day over again... What I have to do is show him that I'm strong and that I'm going to do this for him.. I have to show him how much I want this by giving him his space and his time..
I really hope this doesn't take long.. Even though I'm not going anywhere, and I'd be willing to wait a life time for him, I don't want this to take long.. So if I'm really good tomorrow and Friday, and I give him his space and I don't see him after every class, just give him his time to think, it really shouldn't take that long... I mean honestly, how long could it take someone to figure out how they feel... So if I listen to him, and do what he asks these next few days... Everything should hopefully be ok by this weekend.. That's what I'm hopeing anyways.. On Saturday some of this family is coming in from California, some that I haven't met before.. I've met everyone in his family excpet these people coming on Saturday and I just really hope things are ok by then so he'll want me to come over and meet them...
Yeah, I know what you all must be thinking.. Oh, he's just doing this because he doesn't want to hurt you and he doesn't know how to tell you that he wants to break up.... Normally that would probably be the case... But not with Tom.. No way.. First of all, if he didn't care and he wanted to break up with me, he would have done it along time ago. We have had problems before and we've worked through them because we love each other... This is just another bump in the road that we have to get over.. Even though it's a bigger bump then usual, we're taking extreme measures to fix it.. Believe me, we wouldn't be going through all of this if Tom didn't love me and wanted to fix things...
I messed up today... Big time... No one has to tell me... I know I did... Tomorrow, as much as it hutts me, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to show him that I'm upset, and I'm going to do everything he asked me to, if not more... If that's even possible.. I just want to do everything and anything that'll make this whole thing end asap...
So yeah, now that everyone knows what's going on.... I do feel better getting everything out.. Although I've repeated many things and said a lot of this stuff to friends... Wow, my friends have been so great through this... Thank you so much Allison and Missy.. I don't know why I would have done without you guys.. Allison, from now on I'm going to be listening to you.. Because you were right about every single thing today and I didn't listen to you, and looked what happened..... It became the day from hell... Thank you.. Thank you for being honest with me, telling me that I did mess up and I did make things bad... But thank you for also having confidence in me, that you believe that I can do this and work this out and that you believe that I'll be strong.. Same with you Missy... You helped me see that I can do this, that I'm strong, and I'm going to do this for Tom, that I have to show him that I want this with all of my heart... Thank you guys for spending the last two days on the phone with me... Having me repeating myself so many times, and just being all upset.. It helped me so much.. I love you guys